We've got to keep going...

I've been asked a lot lately about my beliefs due to the topic I posted a few days ago. Today, the topic came up again, although in a bit different medium and I thought I'd post some of my response to that topic... you know... to clarify...

that and it'll probably be used in my personal narrative this week. *shrugs*


"Now, take away the fact that science has yet to prove and will more than likely NEVER prove that God exists. So now, I'm left with faith alone. And because of that, I'm forced to "scientifically" gather my own evidence to support my claims that, yes, there is a God. You wanted to know the parameters that we used to facilitate that faith and this may sound weird but... in the absence of science that proves a god, I use known science that proves the self.

Here we are, these complicated beings and someone tries to teach me in my Functions of the Human Body class everyday that we were created from a single cell. That my body; a tool that regulates itself (for the most part) creates and recreates itself, was created by a cellular mistake at the beginning of time. And to me... that's just... improbable. So when I think of my beliefs... my God... I challenge current science."

I don't know... but this seems like something I needed to share... :D

Gabby

It's almost two am and there are weird blinking lights outside.

I'm pretty sure it's just passing cars (after all, it is a bar night) but it may be a cop. Hmmm, that's interesting.

Moving on. I'm still feeling sick, but the symptoms have changed. Now, instead of just throwing up all over the place, I get sick only when I'm eating. I can't say this is new; in fact, this has been going on for sometime. But due to lack of insurance, I haven't been able to get it checked out. Well, now I can, because I can apparently go to the health center on campus and get checked out. They may not be the best, but they're better than nothing. And free... so yay! I'm going to call and make an appointment on Monday. This is really starting to worry me and I just want it taken care of.

In the mean time, I'm going to church tomorrow... er, today. Gail offered to pick me up and I'm actually kind of excited about it. For the last little while I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith. It hasn't helped lately that my fiancee doesn't share my beliefs. A few months ago I freaked out because I realized that, because of the differences in our beliefs, I'd go to Heaven and he'd end up in Hell. It's horrible, but that's what I know to be true. If you believe, you go one way, if you don't you go another. And I remember bawling on his bed because this meant that I wouldn't get to spend forever with him; that someday we'd part and that would be that. And I think, because of that, part of me wanted to stop believing in God, in faith, in that future. Part of me is still struggling with that. I've had some really horrible thoughts since that happened... like what would be better: spending the rest of my life with someone who I know I would have to leave eventually or running away so I only had to deal with the pain of a break up? I would NEVER actually leave him, but one horrible night I actually thought that... and I hated myself for it. I still do and just seeing it typed out makes me want to cry. A battle with faith: the man I love vs the God who created me. How do you explain the wonder of the world, the universe, the love of a God who cares for you to someone who could never EVER understand, who I'm sure, on some level at least, really wishes I would stop trying to explain. *sigh*

I need to reconnect with that part of me. Maybe that's why I'm getting sick; the stress of not having God in my life is getting to me, lol. I can't wait to go tomorrow... I have a feeling it'll feel good to be back...

Gabby