We've got to keep going...

Okay, so, where to start?

Aryana is doing better. She had an angioplasty done on Monday and it was discovered that what she had is an AVM. Basically it's a whole bunch of undeveloped blood vessels that broke open and started the bleeding on her brain. Her case is very borderline and can be treated two ways: 1) radiation or 2) surgery. A panel of doctors is meeting today to decide which course they'll be taking, so I should know more soon. Thank you to everyone who has been praying/thinking for her and our family! It really means a lot.

Next on the list: me. My appointment got moved until I have the second ultrasound done. I found out yesterday that the doctor I'll be seeing is a surgeon. WTF? Nobody told me I would have to have surgery! They don't even know what's wrong with me yet, as far as I know! So... I guess we'll just wait and see what happens. In the mean time, I'm supposed to watch what I eat: no greasy, spicy, fatty foods. Funny, even though I'm eating healthier, I'm still in a lot of pain! Jerks! lol!!

I have a performance next week. I'm a little nervous because I still haven't memorized all my lines. *shrugs* I'm sure it'll be fine. My group is performing for the Superior Festival. I look forward to being on the stage again. I also learned that I'll be in two other stories for the Black Box Ensemble piece "Proud Monster." All of them are SO depressing though. Damn, I hate war. But I learned something cool. When we go down to Detroit in February for the festival we get to go to the Holocaust meseum. God, that's going to be powerful. I'm really starting to get excited about this!

Well, I'm off to work on homework/study/get ready for drama club/memorize my lines! I love you all!

Gabby

As most of you know, I've been sick the last few weeks. It's usually happened after I've eaten, where my stomach would start to hurt really bad and yeah. So, finally, I went to the doctor and she ordered some test that were to be done on the 1st.

Yesterday, it got worse, so they told me to go to the hospital and get the tests done right away.

The ultrasound came back fine, as I expected. But the blood tests... well... they show something interesting. My liver functions are high. I don't know what that means exactly, but this isn't the first time this has happened. I looked it up online and the things that cause that are things I'm positive I don't have. Hepatitis? Cirrosis of the liver? I have none of those symptoms! What the hell is wrong with me, lol?

I have an appointment on the 3rd. Hopefully they can figure this out. Sure, I may be in debt up to my eyeballs, but it'll be worth it if I can just feel good again. :D

Gabby

It's almost two am and there are weird blinking lights outside.

I'm pretty sure it's just passing cars (after all, it is a bar night) but it may be a cop. Hmmm, that's interesting.

Moving on. I'm still feeling sick, but the symptoms have changed. Now, instead of just throwing up all over the place, I get sick only when I'm eating. I can't say this is new; in fact, this has been going on for sometime. But due to lack of insurance, I haven't been able to get it checked out. Well, now I can, because I can apparently go to the health center on campus and get checked out. They may not be the best, but they're better than nothing. And free... so yay! I'm going to call and make an appointment on Monday. This is really starting to worry me and I just want it taken care of.

In the mean time, I'm going to church tomorrow... er, today. Gail offered to pick me up and I'm actually kind of excited about it. For the last little while I've been having a bit of a crisis of faith. It hasn't helped lately that my fiancee doesn't share my beliefs. A few months ago I freaked out because I realized that, because of the differences in our beliefs, I'd go to Heaven and he'd end up in Hell. It's horrible, but that's what I know to be true. If you believe, you go one way, if you don't you go another. And I remember bawling on his bed because this meant that I wouldn't get to spend forever with him; that someday we'd part and that would be that. And I think, because of that, part of me wanted to stop believing in God, in faith, in that future. Part of me is still struggling with that. I've had some really horrible thoughts since that happened... like what would be better: spending the rest of my life with someone who I know I would have to leave eventually or running away so I only had to deal with the pain of a break up? I would NEVER actually leave him, but one horrible night I actually thought that... and I hated myself for it. I still do and just seeing it typed out makes me want to cry. A battle with faith: the man I love vs the God who created me. How do you explain the wonder of the world, the universe, the love of a God who cares for you to someone who could never EVER understand, who I'm sure, on some level at least, really wishes I would stop trying to explain. *sigh*

I need to reconnect with that part of me. Maybe that's why I'm getting sick; the stress of not having God in my life is getting to me, lol. I can't wait to go tomorrow... I have a feeling it'll feel good to be back...

Gabby